


I didn't know

by LeMera (Agha)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Smut, Stony - Freeform, sexy stuff happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-20 04:13:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2414531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agha/pseuds/LeMera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve had thought the serum had been successful to take away all his flaws, but then he met Tony Stark and realized that one remained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First fic in this fandom, yay. Let me know what you think.
> 
> WARNING for internalized homophobia. Like a lot of it. Sorry about that. And also, smut.

Steve turned the spoon around the bowl lazily, his eyes set on a fly buzzing through the kitchen. It hadn’t been this quiet since… Since he was frozen in ice.

 He sighed and got up, washing his bowl in the sink. It was 2AM, he'd already gone on a run, spent over an hour in the gym, and finished all his paperwork after the mess of the last mission, but he still couldn’t sleep.

 He heard the padding footsteps of someone else coming closer to the communal kitchen. Clint and Natasha were out on SHIELD business, Thor was at Jane’s, leaving Bruce and Tony as the only options. Seeing as one of them was known for an erratic sleep schedule, he wasn’t surprised when it was Tony who sauntered in, going straight for the coffee machine as if he hadn’t even noticed Steve’s presence. He was muttering something under his breath as he grappled with the machine.

 “Tony?” Steve questioned carefully.

 Tony yelped and let go of the machine in order to look at him. He was pale with blue circled under his eyes, and tired lines had formed over his face, a streak of oil over his right cheek. It wasn’t until they were facing each other that Steve noticed that he was shirtless, dirt and oil covering his chest. His very nice chest, which Steve now couldn’t help but stare at.

 “Capsicle,” Tony said happily once his brain seemed to register that there was no threat, giving him one of their private smiles. “What are you doing up so late?”

 “Couldn’t sleep. You?”

 His smile slipped a little. “Working,” he said and turned his attention back to the coffee machine.

 A few weeks ago Steve would’ve protested and demanded for him to return to bed. He would’ve taken Tony’s shoulder, those beautiful shoulders that felt smooth underneath his hands, and turn him towards his bed, and then attempted to force some food into him before leaving him to sleep. The job had been given to him a few months ago, after Pepper disappeared with a whisper in Steve’s ear. _Look after him. Please_.

 So it had become Steve who made sure he didn’t drink or work himself to death, who kept vigil over his sleeping form and shook him by the shoulders whenever he did something stupid on the field, reminding him that even if Pepper was gone there was a whole team who was still around who needed him alive. He wanted to say it was that _please_ that had gotten him to do it, that he’d done it because Pepper was his friend, and Tony was his friend, and he wanted them both to be safe and happy.

 A few weeks ago he’d had to admit to himself that wasn’t the whole truth. He’d liked looking after Tony, liked being the one he relied on, the one he listened to and trusted. He’d liked being allowed to do all those things, such as touching his shoulders and running his hand through his hair as he fell asleep next to him on the couch.

 He’d more than liked it; he’d loved it, more than he should have loved it. He’d tried to pull away and stop himself, but it’d been hard, especially when Tony would snuggle up against him after a battle and wait for Steve to put his arms around him. Tony must’ve noticed there was something wrong as well though, whether it was because he felt a hint of Steve’s feelings or the fact that Steve was pulling back, and eventually he ended it all.

 " _You don’t need to baby me anymore,”_ he’d told him once when Steve had tried to force some food into him _. “I know you were doing it for Pepper, but you don’t have to anymore. I’m fine now_. _”_ Steve had nodded, feeling a burn in his chest despite knowing it was for the better. And Tony, instead of smiling or cracking a joke like he usually did, had seemed almost… _disappointed_. But that couldn’t be. What did he have to be disappointed about? If anything, he should be relieved not to be babied anymore, as he had so eloquently put it.

 “Want some?” Tony said, holding up his mug of coffee, and Steve was snapped out of his thoughts. Steve shook his head, the burning ache still in his chest. “Want anything else?”

 _You_ , he wanted to say. _You, you, you_ , but he couldn’t. Tony was the best thing that had happened to him since the serum. Sure, he loved every Avenger like family, but Tony was different. And in a way Steve hated him for it. Because it wasn’t until he’d met Tony that he’d found out that the serum had failed him. Until then, he’d been sure the serum had worked and cured him of his… _illness_. After all, there had been Peggy. Strong, beautiful Peggy whom he should’ve married and had children with. He’d loved her, so surely the disease had been cured.

 But then he’d met Tony.

 No, then he’d fought with Tony.

 When he first met Tony, things had been tense and words had been said that he wished he could take back. It wasn’t until he’d fought with Tony and felt the fluidity of his movements, and how he fit into them, that he’d gotten the same warm feeling Peggy had used to give him.

 _Not the same_ , he told himself. It wasn’t the same. Peggy had been a woman. Tony was a man.

 And he loved Tony too much to put something like that on him.

 “Earth to Capsicle.” Tony once more snapped Steve out of his thoughts, and Steve smiled at him sheepishly, feeling a slight blush creep up his cheeks when he remembered what he’d been thinking about. “Shouldn’t you go to bed?”

 “Isn’t that my line?” Steve said and smiled, before realizing his mistake. “I mean…”

 Tony broke him off with a soft laugh. “Yeah, you have said those words an awful lot over the past couple of months.” He looked down on his cup of coffee, and then up again to meet Steve’s eyes. He lifted one eyebrow as if in a challenge, but Steve didn’t take the bait.

 “I think I’ll take another try at sleeping.”

 That same look came over Tony’s face, that thing that looked like disappointment but couldn’t be. “All right then, night Cap.”

 “Good night Tony.”

 Steve barely made it to the door of his room before someone grabbed his arm and he reacted without thinking, twisting the other person’s arm and pushing them to the wall. His mind finally managed to register _Tony_ before his legs were swept out from under him and Tony was straddling him, pinning his arms down above his head.

 “Careful there Cap, it seems you’ve trained me better than you thought,” Tony grinned down at him, his face taking up all of Steve’s vision. Despite his smile, he was breathing hard, as if he’d had run.

 Steve relaxed, seeing as there was no danger, and immediately realized his mistake: Tony, shirtless, straddling his stomach while breathing hard was not something Steve should be experiencing in his relaxed state. He instantly felt the heat in his stomach and had to bite the inside of his cheek not to moan in despair as the heat went on downward.

 “What do you want Tony?” he asked instead, his voice a bit rougher than he’d intended for it to be.

 Tony’s smile fell and he tilted his head slightly, his face turning serious. “I want to know what I did.”

 Steve frowned in confusion. “What you did?”

 “Yes. What did I do to make you go so weird?”

 “You’re the one straddling me in front of my bedroom,” he pointed out.

 “Would you prefer it if I did it inside your bedroom?” Tony made jokes like that all the time, but this time there was no sting behind it. It was as if he said it only because he knew he was expected to. Steve still blushed, and felt his cock harden slightly. “Cap, you’ve been acting strange lately. You didn’t even comment on my caffeine intake, I’m getting worried,” Tony went on, sitting up slightly and letting go of Steve’s arms. Steve’s hands immediately shot out and grabbed his hands to stop him from moving his ass back. One inch back and he would feel Steve’s cock standing at half-mast. Tony went still and looked down at him expectantly, and Steve realized he was holding the other man’s hands.

 “I…” he swallowed, unsure what to do. “ _You_ ,” he tried again.

 “I…?” Tony pushed. The light was filtering around his head and Steve wanted to simply stare at his face, at the way his lips turned and the lines over his forehead and the burning brightness of his eyes and the way his muscles played every time he moved. His hands, which Steve had seen do amazing and difficult things, were still somehow soft in his hands and he wanted to feel them all over his body.

 But he couldn’t. So instead he steadied himself and said, “You’re the one who told me to stop.”

 Tony snatched his hands back as if he’d been burnt, but he didn’t move back thankfully. “Oh,” he said, sounding wounded. “I didn’t mean…Not like…You didn’t have to stop _everything_. I just meant the stuff Pepper asked from you, we’re still friends, we can still nag each other and touch and…” Then his eyes widened and doubt crept over his face. “Unless Pepper asked you to for that too.” He made to stand up.

 “Tony, no.” Steve took hold of his shoulders and squeezed, keeping him put. “Of course we’re friends. I would have done all of that even if Pepper didn’t ask me to.”

 “Then why?” Tony relaxed again, but his position had shifted and… _oh_.

 Steve whited out for a moment, the feeling of Tony’s ass on his hardening cock too much for his brain to handle. When he came to again Tony had gotten completely still, staring wide-eyed at him.

 “Oh,” he said. “ _Oh_.”

 Steve turned his hands to fists. “I can explain,” he promised, scrambling to find an excuse. It was late? He’d been thinking about some girl? Surely Tony understood, these things happen, _haha_. Right? _Right_? “Tony, I can…”

 He was cut off by Tony’s lips. His hands were suddenly trapped by Tony’s again but he didn’t really care because _Tony was kissing him_.

 Tony tasted coffee metal and kissed with a tenderness Steve hadn’t thought he was possible of. He moved his lips over Steve’s, his tongue swiping over his lower lip, and Steve was unable to move, unable to think.

 This couldn’t be right. He’d seen Tony with countless women; this couldn’t possibly be reality. Maybe he was dreaming. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d have a dream like this, just to wake up burning with shame while trying his best not to palm himself through his pants.

Then Tony grinded his hips down, making his own hardening cock apparent as it brushed against Steve’s through their clothes, and it just felt too real to be a dream. Steve let out a moan, arching his back at the feeling of the sparks of pleasure moving through his body, and Tony took advantage of it through pushing his tongue into his mouth, the tender kiss long forgotten.

 Before Steve had the chance to overthink it he tangled their tongues together and Tony let out a moan of his own. Steve could feel the vibration of the moan in his mouth and that seemed to be the last straw for him. He slipped one hand from Tony’s hold and tangled his fingers in his dark curls, the way he used to whenever Tony came to sit down next to him while he was watching TV. Only this time it was still different somehow. He scraped his nails against Tony’s scalp and he shuddered, grinding down his hips harder, making Steve break contact with his lips to let out another moan.

 Tony didn’t seem to mind, instead moving his lips to Steve’s throat, mouthing on the muscles and scraping his teeth over his Adam’s apple.

 “Tony,” Steve managed to push through his teeth, even as his mind threatened to white out once more. “Tony, we can’t…” Tony took his earlobe between his teeth and all thoughts left him. “ _Fuck_ , Tony.”

 Tony chuckled lightly against his ear. “If that’s what you want Steve.”

 Steve couldn’t help but moan again at the sound of his name coming out of Tony’s mouth. He almost never called him Steve. It was always Cap or Capsicle or some other nickname or variation of his name. Now, hearing it said with such burning lust, Steve thought he might come then and there.

 He should stop this. He _should_. He had to. They couldn’t… They…

 Tony was kissing him again, taking his lower lip between his teeth and biting playfully. Steve’s fingers tightened in Tony’s hair and he growled, pushing their lips together properly. Tony’s hand snaked down between them and pressed at Steve’s bulge. Steve bit down on Tony’s tongue as a response without really meaning to, but Tony didn’t seem to mind.

 “Please Tony,” he panted.

 “Yes Steve?” Tony curled his hand around his bulge.

 “ _Fuck_ Tony please,” _stop_ “I,” _we have to stop_ , “don’t stop.” _Fuck._

 “Wasn’t planning on it.” He moved his teeth to nip at Steve’s jaw and he realized that he would have beard burns in the morning. He couldn’t bring himself to care. Tony grappled with his fly and managed to get his hand inside the fabric and _that_ was the single best feeling Steve had ever felt. It was a million times better than his own hand.

 He’d lost control over his own mouth, going between moaning loudly and repeating “Fuck Tony Fuck,” over and over again.

 “Maybe next time,” Tony said almost soothingly while stroking him into a blabbering mess. “I don’t think either of us can wait that long this time though.”

 _What?_ Steve wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure whether it was the _next time_ or the fact that Tony was talking about actually fucking, that made him confused. Surely they couldn’t…

It wasn’t as if he didn’t know men did it. He’d gone to art school, he’d been in the army, he knew it happened and he hadn’t particularly minded when it did. It was none of his business after all. But he’d never thought _he_ would…

 Tony managed to push down both their pants enough for their cocks to come free and be able to rub against each other. Forget what he’d said before, _this_ was the single best feeling ever. Tony went on to grind down again, more slowly this time, fitting their cocks next to each other nicely. His pupils were blown huge and Steve couldn’t help but stare at his face with fascination as it contorted in pleasure. They kissed again and Steve got his other hand free and cupped Tony’s ass, pulling him in closer as they rutted against each other.

 “Damn Steve,” Tony panted into his mouth. “I’ve wanted this for so long.” He picked up his speed slightly. Steve dug his nails into his skin and Tony nipped his lower lip. “Wanted you, dreamt of you, want to see you naked, want to feel you inside of me…”

 The combination of Tony’s words and the feeling of their cocks moving against each other was too much for Steve and he felt himself coming, arching his back as the world disappeared around him. Tony swallowed his moans, keeping his hips going as he rode out his orgasm.

When Steve finally got down from his high Tony had stopped moving as well, his eyes closed hard as pleasure washed over his face. “Steve,” he said breathlessly as he came and if Steve hadn’t just come a second ago it he’d come just at the sound of his name with that voice. “Fuck Steve.” Tony collapsed over him, panting against Steve’s neck. Steve imagined shirt was rumpled and dirty, covered in sweat and come. He allowed his hands to move over Tony’s sweaty shoulders, taking in the dips between his muscles and the scars over his shoulder blades.

 “Mmm,” Tony said and snuggled in against his neck. “I can’t believe we did it out here in the open.”

 Cold fear suddenly gripped Steve. He was right, they were out in the open and anyone could walk in on them at any time.

 _Not anyone,_ his brain supplied helpfully. Only the Avengers had access codes this high in the building, and all of them were gone except for Bruce who was probably fast asleep.

 Still though, this had been stupid. Anyone could’ve walked in on them and seen them…

  _Oh god_.

 He pushed Tony off his body and got to his feet. He’d just had sex with Tony (at least he thought he had, he wasn’t too sure what counted as sex these days). He’d just done the thing he knew he couldn’t do, the one thing he’d sworn to himself he would never do.

 “Steve?” Tony asked gently, getting to his feet. His hair was a mess, caused by Steve’s own hands, his lips were bright red and swollen, and he had drying come on his stomach.

 _Oh god._ He couldn’t look. Instead he stared at the walls. “Does JARVIS film everything in the Tower?”

 “You know he does.”

 He knew it was absurd to feel afraid over having been seen by a computer, but he couldn’t help himself.

 “Why,” Tony went on cheekily, “want to see?”

“Have him delete it,” Steve said sternly, trying to mask his panic.

 “Steve…” Tony sounded confused.

 “All of it.”

 “All right, I will,” he said carefully. He came closer and put his hand on Steve’s arm. “Cap…”

 Steve quickly walked out of his reach and walked up to his door. “Good night,” he said and went inside.

 He barely heard Tony’s weak and confused “goodnight” before slamming the door shot. He leaned his back towards it, and slowly slid to the floor. Pulling his legs against his body, he buried his face against his knees.

 What had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for late update. Glad you liked the first chapter. Here's number two! (Unbeta'd)
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: Like last time, lots of internalized homophobia. Like a lot. Seriously. Also, sexy stuff happen, and not enough talking about feelings.

Hair still damp from the shower, he turned over on him stomach, staring out into the darkness, unable to sleep. He hadn’t expected to be able to sleep, but still, he’d hoped.

Instead his mind kept going back to Tony, and the way his body had felt under Steve’s hands, and the way his face had looked like when he’d come.

 _Next time_ , he’d said, and Steve couldn’t help but think of all those forbidden dreams he’d had. Dreams that he’d known could never become reality. Those dreams _still_ couldn’t become reality. He knew that, but he still couldn’t stop his mind from wandering. He imagined how it would be to have Tony, completely naked, spread out over his sheets, taking his time to touch every inch of him. He imagined touching Tony’s cock the way he had touched his earlier, imagined tasting his whole body, and then having Tony’s fingers open him up until he could slide inside and…

He sat up, running his hand through his hair, blankly refusing to touch himself despite the painful erection. Grumbling under his breath he made it to the bathroom and turned the shower water ice cold and stood under the spray for a long time, his forehead resting on the tiles.

It was still difficult for him to grasp what had happened. He wanted Tony, he knew that, and now Tony knew that as well. And it seemed Tony had wanted him back. But how? Tony was brilliant and funny and handsome and had all the world’s women to choose from. He _had_ chosen from them time and time again, Steve had seen and heard it with his own eyes and ears more times than he’d have liked to. He’d thought for a while that it was a response to the pain left after Pepper, but the internet had informed him otherwise. It seemed Pepper had been the abnormality, the woman who stood out amongst all of those who had only been there for the sake of Tony’s temporary pleasure.

Maybe that was it then; pleasure. Tony’s search for pleasure, and his willingness to take it wherever it was.

For some reason the thought made him feel that burning ache in his chest again, but he couldn’t imagine why. It wasn’t as if he ever expected Tony to fall in love with him. It wasn’t as if _he_ was in love with Tony.

Was he?

He turned the shower off. Standing there for much longer wouldn’t help him figure this out, what he needed was food and a few hours in the gym. When he got out of the shower JARVIS had kindly pulled his blinds out and the sun was filtering in. He once against felt embarrassed over what the AI must’ve seen last night (this morning?), and then he felt more embarrassed for feeling embarrassed over a computer who didn’t have actual eyes.

Bruce was already in the kitchen, finishing a plate of eggs while reading something on his StarkPad. “Morning,” he smiled when Steve entered, and then continued to ignore him for the next fifteen minutes.

Steve made himself his own eggs and sat down to eat in compatible silence. “Do you have any plans today?” he asked once he was done and ready to leave.

“What?” Bruce looked up at him, bewildered, as if he’d forgotten he was there. “Ah, Steve. I have some lab work to do.” He waved at his StarkPad as if that was an explanation to what he was working on. “Tony has convinced the university to let me play in their lab for myself so I probably won’t be back until late.”

Steve nodded and stood up. “Have fun.”

Bruce hummed, already distracted by his StarkPad again.

While walking out of the kitchen to the elevator he felt a feather light touch on his arm.

“Hey Capsicle,” Tony mumbled when he stopped. He looked even worse than when they’d last met, the circles under his eyes darker and his face paler. It appeared that he hadn’t slept much either.

“Hey Tony,” Steve mumbled back. Tony was fully dressed now, thankfully, but Steve still couldn’t help but flash back to him, shirtless, sweat running down his chest. His mouth was suddenly dry and he had to force himself to look away.

“Are you alright?” Tony asked. “I mean, after las-this morning.”

Steve, unsure what to say, nodded stiffly in response.

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” he said worriedly. Steve shook his head. He wasn’t hurt, at least not physically, and the hurt that was lying underneath had been caused by himself, not Tony. “What’s wrong then?”

_Everything, nothing, everything, nothing, everything…._

“It was too fast wasn’t it? I went to fast, didn’t I? Damn it, you’re form the 1940’s, you probably expected flowers and dinners before sex. Was that your first time? Did I ruin your first time? I did, didn’t I?” Tony rambled so fast Steve couldn’t help but stare at him in fascination, watching him swing his arms around as his mouth moved a mile a second. “Damn it, I have one change with the guy of my dreams and I screw it up. (Screw it up by screwing _him_ , heh, get it Cap? Never mind). It’s just that I’ve been thinking about you for so long I couldn’t help myself.” How he managed to make it sound as if he’d put brackets in his own speaking was beyond Steve. “And it wasn’t like you were protesting,” he said, suddenly sounding accusing, jabbing Steve in the chest. “You were pretty excited, I could feel it against my–.”

Steve pressed his hand against Tony’s mouth to make him shut up. Behind him, Bruce shuffled out of the kitchen, eyes glued on the StarkPad. He seemed to miscalculate his steps, and almost walked into a wall. In the last second he looked up from the pad, blinked a few times at the wall standing half an inch from his nose, and then turned and walked away, never acknowledging having seen the two men.

Steve’s heart was thudding. What if he’d heard some of what Tony had said? What if he was avoiding them?

Common sense told him that Bruce was like this all the time, and that if he’d seen something he’d act differently. But he still didn’t feel completely sure.

He felt hands wrap around his wrists and realized that he was still holding Tony. He quickly let go and took a step back. At least Tony seemed slightly subdued, his arms falling to his sides.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Steve assured him. After all, it wasn’t Tony’s fault the serum hadn’t worked completely, that he was still… He couldn’t think it, not even to himself. “And you’re right, I did want it. If I’d wanted to stop you, I could have done it, but I didn’t.” The confession stung. Admitting that he’d wanted it and participated in it more than willingly was what finally made it all feel real.

“Yeah?” Tony’s lips twitched into the beginning of a smile, his eyes going a little brighter.

“Yeah.”

“So maybe, I don’t know, we could do it again?”

 _Next time_ , Tony had promised. Steve could refuse him. Could list him all the reasons to why they couldn’t, why they shouldn’t.

But Tony was looking at him with hope in his eyes and while Steve could deny himself this, had done it before and would do it again until the day he died, he couldn’t deny Tony anything. So he nodded, and Tony’s grin made his whole face light up. He still looked tired though.

“I promise I’ll do it right this time,” he said quickly. “Food and movies and…”

“I think you should sleep Tony,” Steve interrupted. “You look like you’re about to fall over.”

“I’m fine,” he waved it off dismissingly, but some of the alertness had left his movements. “I know this great restaurant where wen can…”

“Tony,” Steve set his hands on his ~~lover’s~~ friend’s shoulders. “Go to sleep.”

He went quiet and smiled again, almost longingly this time. “Alright Steve.” His hands clamped around his wrists. “Come with me? Just for sleep,” he added hurriedly before Steve could respond. “You can come sit on the couch and watch some movie like… Like you used to.”

_Like I used to before I realized I might be falling for you and that I liked to touch you more than I should and that I wanted to touch you even more, you mean?_

Steve nodded again and followed him into the elevator. They barely made it up before Tony was slumping against his shoulder, drowsing off. He felt slightly guilty for being the reason he was so tired and when they reached Tony’s penthouse, he supported him on the way to the couch.

Tony slumped down and curled around him when he sat down next to him. Steve automatically put his hands Tony’s hair and he hummed happily before finally falling asleep.

Steve’s plan was to figure things out while he slept. To think long and hard about what was going on and what he was going to do next, so they could have a real conversation about it when he woke up.

However, like with most plans, it didn’t really work out, and he found himself fast asleep, using Tony’s head as a pillow.

 

***

 

He woke up to Tony staring at him.

“Hi?” he said questioningly when Tony didn’t move. He felt warm and fuzzy and there was a patch of sweat where Tony had been plastered to his side. “You’re staring.”

“Just wanted to make sure you were still here.” Tony got to his feet and stretched his back, his shirt riding up slightly to reveal a patch of skin above his pant hem. Steve automatically looked down on his hands so not to stare. “Hungry?”

“I’m fine.” His stomach growled in protest. “Maybe a little. How long did we sleep?” He stretched out over the couch, smoothing out his clothes as best he could.

“Hm?” Tony turned his focus back to him, his eyes still sleepy, although the rings underneath his eyes looked much better. “I don’t know, JARVIS?”

“Seven hours, sir,” the AI responded. Tony let out a low whistle and grinned.

“I haven’t slept that long in one go in days. Pizza?”

Steve was still distracted by Tony’s confession and became slightly confused. “What?”

“For food. Pizza? Extra everything, like always?”

“Sure.”

“JARVIS.”

“Already on its way sir,” the AI responded.

Tony made his way to the bar at the other end of the room and set to pouring up drinks. “Cola,” he said when Steve stared at him disapprovingly, waving the cola bottle as proof. “Haven’t been drinking for the past month, just like I promised.”

Steve felt some relief at that. He’d been worried that taking distance from Tony would lead to him going back to old habits.

“So…” Tony said when handing him a glass. “We should probably talk.”

Steve nodded and then took a long sip of his drink in order not to have to. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to think even. They’d done something… _bad_. Even to Tony it must’ve surpassed some sort of limit. At the same time, Tony didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. It seemed to be the opposite in fact, seeing how willing he was to do it again.

He was thankfully saved from needing to answer by JARVIS, who announced that the pizza had arrived, and at the smell of the fresh food Tony completely forgot what he’d been saying.

They ate mostly in silence, some cartoon TV-series about super-heroes playing on the TV. Tony kept snorting and making odd comments about it, and it felt so much like Steve was used to he couldn’t help but smile for himself.

Until he leaned over to the table to get some napkins, and upon relaxing back knocked his elbows with Tony’s, and he realized how close they were exactly. Tony was also wiping his fingers clean and he easily leaned into the touch, much more so than he would’ve normally.

“This totally counts as a date by the way,” he said jokingly and put his feet up on the coffee table, stretching his arms out behind the couch.

 _Date?_ The word made Steve go warm all over, and then confused. He had always thought that was a term reserved for people who were already in, or considering getting into, girlfriend-boyfriend territory. And that couldn’t be what they were doing.

For one, neither of them could be the girlfriend. That reason alone summarized why this couldn’t possibly be a date. There was also the fact that Tony apparently didn’t do steady relationships, except for that one try with Pepper, and Steve knew he wasn’t about to try again. He’d heard Tony say so himself while trying to drag his drunken ass to bed.

Maybe it was simply that Tony’s definition of _date_ was different from his. He couldn’t help the surge of disappointment that came with that thought. _Of course_ his definition was different from Steve’s. As he said before: neither of them was a girl so neither of them could act as the current/future girlfriend.

“Steve, are you alright? You’ve been zoning out a lot lately,” Tony said with some worry. While _zoned out_ , as Tony had put he, Steve hadn’t noticed Tony’s arm settling on his shoulders.

They were _really_ close, and he could feel Tony’s breath close to his cheek.

“I’m fine,” Steve breathed, sparks going over his skin. They were doing this. They were actually doing this.

Well, never should it be said that Steve, if he decided to do something, didn’t do it properly and whole-heartedly. Or, in this case, learnt _how_ to do it properly and then went on to do it.

He turned his head around so that his and Tony’s noses were almost touching.

“Hey,” Tony mumbled, his eyelids going down slightly.

“Hey,” Steve mumbled back, and kissed him.

It was slow and careful, both of them tasting pizza and cola and Tony still somehow tasting like coffee. Tony made a pleased sound from the back of his throat and slid his fingers through Steve’s hair, pulling their bodies flush against each other. Steve’s hands found themselves to his hips and squeezed and Tony broke the kiss.

“Hey,” he said again, breathless. “Weren’t we supposed to talk about something?”

“You were right,” Steve responded. “I’ve never…” _Sex talk_. He could do this. He wasn’t a blushing virgin. He went to art school damn it! “I haven’t really done this much.”

Tony pulled back slightly and Steve instinctively took a firmer grip of his hips to keep him close. “Kissing? Or sexy things? Give me some specifics. What are you yes and no’s, I need to know if this is going to happen.”

“I’ve done kissing,” he said, a bit defensively. “And I’ve done some… _sexy thing_. You know that, you met Sharon.” He immediately wished he hadn’t said her name. He’d liked Sharon a lot, and he’d really thought they could become something. It had been nowhere near what he’d felt towards Peggy, but it’d had the possibility to reaching that point. But then she’d been sent on that mission in Brazil, and Pepper had left and Steve got his arms full with Tony, and their relationship just sort of drizzled out. “But I haven’t done any of _this_.”

“Dudes you mean?”

Steve had to stop himself from flinching. Tony said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Which it wasn’t. Steve _knew_ that.

“Yeah,” he managed to say with a shaky voice. “That. Have you ever…?”

“A few times in college,” Tony said dismissingly and the thought of it made Steve dizzy. “It’s fine either way. We can take this super-slow. Dates and kissing and…”

“No!” he said quickly, perhaps a little louder than he’d intended. He couldn’t do that. Go on Tony’s version of dates and always feel a pang of hurt over it never being his version of dating, knowing that they could never… “No,” he repeated. “This… This is good.” He leaned closer to Tony and he went along without complaining. “I mean, we might have to be slow sometimes and you might have to, ah, _explain_ certain things to me.” He tried really hard not to blush, something made more difficult by Tony’s shit-eating grin. “But I like _this_.” He kissed Tony on the lips to make his point clear. “Just you and me…”

Tony kissed him back, pulling him close again. This time the kiss wasn’t as careful, and Tony pulled his teeth over Steve’s lower lip, eliciting a moan.

“You and me,” he went on persistently while Tony mouthed over his jaw, “up here…” Tony’s mouth moved on to his neck, his tongue tasting his pulse, and his train of thought broke for a moment. “Up here with…” Tony pulled his lips back, and Steve barely had time to register the teeth against his skin before he bit down. “ _JARVIS_ ,” he almost shouted, his hips bucking up against Tony’s warm body.

“Actually, it’s Tony,” the genius chuckled against his skin, before allowing his tongue to soothe the bite mark.

“What?” Steve tried to recall what he’d just said. “Oh, no.” He pushed at Tony slightly. “Make him stop recording. Make him go away.”

“All right.” Tony pushed at him a bit as well, to get him to lie down on the couch. “JARVIS, full blackout in the penthouse. Until I reactivate you, do not let anyone get any contact in here unless there’s a world-ending situation. I’m sure you can figure out when that is.” He covered Steve’s body with his own, planting his hands on either side of Steve’s head to support his weight, and went back to kissing him.

Theirs tongues tangled together and Steve was suddenly made aware of how hard he’d gotten just from some kissing, and he would’ve felt embarrassed had he not felt Tony’s own erection through the layers of fabric, pressing against his abdomen as the man slowly rocked their hips together.

“Fuck,” he groaned, his fingers digging into Tony’s arms. “ _Tony_.”

“Yes Steve?” Tony mumbled against his lips, rocking forward again. Steve arched his back at the feeling.

“I want…” He broke off, unsure of what he wanted, other than to feel every inch of Tony’s body right fucking now.

“Whatever you want,” Tony assured him. Steve groaned at that and bucked his hips up to get more friction. Tony let out a moan of his own, pressing their foreheads together as he took a strained breath. “Do you want like yesterday? Or I could blow you? Or you could fuck me? Or I could fuck you.”

Steve bucked his hips up again, unable to restrain himself. “You can’t just _say_ that,” he complained once he’d regain control of his own body.

“But we could do any of that,” Tony insisted. “We could do whatever you want. Please say you want me to blow you,” he went on, his voice taking on that tone it always did when he was talking really fast. “I really want to blow you. I’ve wanted to do it that one time I saw you coming out of the showers down in the gym and…”

“ _Yes_ , Tony. For fuck’s sake, stop talking and _do_ it.” Steve was getting dizzy and unsure of what exactly he was saying, but whatever it was it got Tony to give him a wet and dirty kiss before mumbling “ _I love it when you curse_ ,” and then crawling down his body to pull his sweats down and…

Oh _._

 _Oh_.

Tony slowly took his cock into his mouth, inch by inch, swiveling his tongue around the tip and making Steve’s world disappear before his eyes. He was engulfed in heat and pleasure and his hips bucked up unintentionally, and Tony pushed his hips down to steady him. He pulled back a bit, seemingly taking in some air, although his hand kept jerking him off.

Steve forced himself to look down and was met by Tony’s grin, something dangerous twinkling in his eyes, before he once again took his cock in his mouth while keeping eye contact. Steve’s head fell back against the couch. He was faintly aware of himself moaning and shouting obscene words, but his mind was unable to notice it. Tony’s hand went into his and carefully guided his hands to his hair, and Steve immediately took a tight grip, although he made sure not to buck his hips up again.

Tony managed to swallow him down all the way to the base, his nose buried in Steve’s pubic hair, and when he felt his cock hit the back of his throat he was unable to take it anymore. Steve came without any warning, his world whiting out and his hips bucking up uncontrollably.

When he came to, Tony had sat up on his knees, one had in his pants and his head thrown back, a blush slowly working itself up his neck and face.

“C’mere,” Steve said hoarsely, not caring about anything other than his intense desire to touch. “Lemme.”

He put his fingers against Tony’s wrist, and then slid them down his hand, ultimately pushing it away as he took over in jerking him off. Tony’s cock felt similar but different at the same time and he tugged experimentally a few times to see if it liked the same things his own cock did.

“Fuck Steve,” Tony moaned, leaning his hands on the armrest behind Steve’s head. It seemed it did.

Tony pressed their foreheads together, panting on Steve’s lips as he jerked him off. It seemed he wasn’t being fast enough, as Tony kept bucking and grinding into his hand, moaning shamelessly. He leaned down and kissed him, and there was a new taste mixed with the pizza and coffee. It was his own taste, Steve realized, and that shouldn’t turn him on the way it did. Tony eventually came with Steve’s name on his lips, and Steve did his very best to memorize every feature of his face as pleasure washed over it.

Like last night, Tony collapsed over him, breathing onto his neck. Unlike last night, Steve made himself comfortable underneath his weight, feeling sleepy again.

“Sorry,” he mumbled tiredly. “For your throat.”

“‘S fine,” Tony mumbled back. “I liked it. Sorry for coming in my pants. I haven’t done that in a very long time, I have to admit it was kind of nice despite it being embarrassing, but now I’m all sticky.” He wrapped his arms around Steve and nuzzled his face against his neck. “I’m really happy right now Steve.” And there it was, that burst of warmth Steve always felt whenever Tony did something that was just for him. That warmth was dangerous. “I’m really glad we’re doing this. I’m glad you’re doing this for me, even though I’m…” He trailed off. “Even though I’m _me_.” Steve tightened his grip around him. Tony understood it then, that they shouldn’t be doing this, and like Steve if he’d had a choice he wouldn’t _want_ to be doing this.

“I’m glad too,” he admitted, because in a way he was, despite knowing that he shouldn’t be. If Tony, knowing full well that what they were doing was wrong, was allowed to say it, then so was he. “I’m glad that it’s you.” Because if he _was_ going to do this with anyone, he was glad it was Tony.

“Really?” Tony’s voice was small, almost the way it’d been when he’d first broken it off with Pepper, only this time it was filled with cautious hope.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Tony seemed all but ready to go to sleep once more, despite having already slept for so long. Not that Steve could talk; his eyes were already drooping.

“Tony?”

“Hm?”

“Your stickiness is sort of starting to make me sticky too,” he admitted, shifting around a bit uncomfortably.

Tony snorted and sat up. “Fine, shower it is.” He climbed off the couch carefully, and Steve immediately felt cold and lonely without him. “Coming?” He held his hand out, and after some hesitation Steve took it.

 

***

 

They spent the rest of the day, and the night, running their hands over each other’s bodies. They did at one point make it to Tony’s bead, and just like in Steve’s dreams he was able to spread Tony out and touch him and learn where exactly to put his hands and lips to make him squirm and moan and beg.

Steve couldn’t remember being happier than he was in post-orgasm bliss, cuddled up next to a naked Tony, eating cold pizza slices while watching TV.

He knew it couldn’t last of course. At six am, he gathered up his clothes as silently as he could, Tony knocked out on the bed, his arms and legs spread out like a starfish. He was tempted to go over there and smooth Tony’s hair out and kiss his forehead, but he quickly shook the thought away. He tiptoed out and made it to his own room without meeting anyone, thankfully, and took a long shower, mournfully scrubbing away the smell of sex and Tony.

Making his way to the kitchen for breakfast about two hours later, he got the odd sense of déjà vu. Only this morning when he entered, Clint and Natasha had joined Bruce, who was still consumed by his StarkPad, at the table.

Clint right hand was bandaged, and Natasha had an impressive black eye, and both of them were staring into their cereals rather miserably.

“Good morning. Did the mission go well?”

“Fucking Alaska,” Clint muttered and into his bowl. “We were freezing our asses off at the same time as they were handed to us.”

“We got what we wanted,” Natasha informed Steve, a bit more professional, and handed him the milk when she saw him pouring up cereal of his own. “We just had some difficulties along the way.”

“I hate S.H.I.E.L.D. Why do we work with them now again?”

“Because our contracts, which despite Tony’s very expensive lawyers, still stand for another couple of years. And you’re in love with one of our handlers.”

Clint turned scarlet and he sputtered into his cereal. “Am not.”

“Are to.”

Steve, eager to get out of dodge of whatever this was, quickly finished his bowl of cereal. Tony had at one point dragged him and Bruce and Thor into a bet about whether or not Natasha and Clint were together, with Thor and Tony both sure they were, Bruce sure they weren’t, and Steve refusing to join. It now seemed Bruce was the winner, although Steve suspected that no one wanted Tony to know that, as it would inevitably lead to him doing everything in his power to find out who it was Clint was refusing to admit he was in love with.

“I’m glad you’re home safe,” he told the two of them when he was done, although it seemed they weren’t listening, intent on bickering between themselves. “I’ll see you all later.” His three friends made some noncommittal sounds before returning to ignoring him. He sighed and was just leaving when Tony entered.

“Hey, there you are,” he smiled and walked up to him. “I was looking for you. You just disappeared this morning.”

Steve felt all color leave his face. He wanted to floor to open up and take him to another dimension where Tony did not just say that in a kitchen full of other people. What was he thinking?

Neither of their friends made a break in their activities, seemingly not noticing them, and Steve grabbed on to the shard of hope that they hadn’t heard anything. He tried to signal for Tony to take note to their presence. Thankfully, Tony seemed to understand what he was trying to say, and he turned his attention to them.

“Hey guys, how was the op?” he asked with a grin, having come so close to Steve now that he could easily wrap an arm around his hip.

_What was he doing?_

Steve tried to move out of his hold as subtly as possible, moving over to the kitchen counter as if to get a glass of water.

Clint took a momentary break from the bickering to mutter “Fucking _Alaska_ ,” but otherwise the attention still seemed to be off him and Tony for the time being.

“Steve, what’s going on? Are you zoning out again?” Tony said.

He realized that he’d been standing and staring at the running tap without filling his glass. He did so now, and took a couple of fast gulps to calm his nerves.

“Steve?” Tony came up behind him and put his hands on Steve’s hips. Steve’s hand shot out automatically and grabbed is wrist, pushing him away. He shook his head carefully, glancing quickly over his shoulder to see that none of them had noticed. Tony followed his line of sight, and when he noticed something in his face seemed to crumble. He looked almost hurt for a second, before pulling his face together and slipping on a neutral mask. “I see,” he mumbled and pulled back. “Only up there, huh?” his voice was so low Steve wouldn’t have been able to hear it had it not been for his super hearing. He breathed out a sigh of relief and nodded, glad that Tony understood.

It wasn’t that Steve thought the team would turn on the two of them if they knew, any less than he would turn on them. They would tolerate it, might even claim to be fine with it, and they would continue to work together as a team, fighting evil and saving the world as they always had. It was the other things Steve feared. He feared Clint and Thor and Bruce suddenly pulling away whenever he was too close, casting his suspicious glances and coming up with excuses not to have to be alone with them. He feared turning around one day, and seeing a flash of disgust and disappointment in their faces, before they’re able to school their features. He feared his secret getting outside the tower, it would be so easy if Thor told Jane or Clint told this handler he loved, and the world would know in an instant. And they couldn’t know. He was Captain America for God’s sake. If it was just him, if it was just Steve Rogers living in New York going to art school with others who thought like him, it might be, not _fine_ , but it might work. But as it was, he was Captain America, a nation-wide symbol, and Tony was Iron Man, not to mention _Tony Stark_ , the tabloids’ favorite celebrity.

No one could know. Not now, not ever, and it seemed Tony got that too, by the way he looked away and refrained from attempting to touch him again.

Steve left the kitchen, pretending that he didn’t feel the burning ache in his chest, and that he didn’t see that flash of hurt in Tony’s face.


End file.
